Saturday, April 19, 2008

gratitude part 2 with Steve-o and I

Me:
1. Grateful for being a mom.
2. Grateful for my awesome parents.
3. Grateful for Amy, other Amy, Eliz, Julie, Tom of course, Rachael, Analisa makes work spectacular, Mindy.
Steve-o
1. Youth group
2. video games
3. I have 2 shiny new bikes to ride.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Love letter to my soul-mate

I am frustrated beyond my limit. Let me tell you why...
You are so intelligent. People (adults) always comment on how extremely intelligent and articulate you are. So they all expect a kid like you probably gets straight A’s. Well Nick, as we know, that is not the case. I cant seem to figure out where things are going wrong. Your father and I thought we had it all figured out. I remember being pregnant with you and having such long conversations with your dad, we talked about everything from books we were going to read to you to music we wanted to expose you to. We were so excited and couldn’t wait for your arrival. We decided that we wanted to be open with you, be pals with you, let you do pretty much anything you wanted. We figured, the only way to parent was to allow you to do whatever you want to do and only deny you something if it was dangerous or harmful to others. Well, yeah, I didn’t expect my partner to die and leave it all to me. Come on, I was only 22 years old. I felt I needed to honor your dad by always keeping pictures around for you, to always be open to talk to you about him and his life, and when I came to any sort of parenting crisis, handle it by doing things the way Sam and I wanted. Ok so here we are. You are almost a teenager and I feel my grip on you slip away a little bit each day. I have so many fears. I don’t want to ever not have an open honest relationship, but I am constantly catching you in lies. My god Nick, what happend? You are lying to me. My best friend is changing and I don’t know what to do. You are failing all your classes. Talk about being frustrated. You are to smart for this. Have I not given you love, respect, honesty. You and Stephen are my world. I am nothing without you. I have nothing without you boys. I live for you. My purpose in life is to raise you and your brother, to be happy, healthy, confident, compassionate, human beings. My priority is to raise you to be good boys. Honesty and respect... Im trying Nick, I cant seem to get through to you, but I hope one day you will see how much I love you. There are no words to express my love for you and Steve-o. I love you. I will always be your mom and you will always be my son. Nothing will ever change that. There is nothing you could do to change my feelings for you. It truly is unconditional love. I want my little boy back, I want to have that friendship again. I want you to work to your full potential. I need you to understand how important school is and all its lessons that will help you to be a stronger person in life. I love you, and am so proud to be your mom and have such a beautiful and caring son. I will always be here for you. I will always be your biggest supporter and cheer you on, and help you through the tough times. I just love you Nick.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Its her again...

Invading my dreams, still igniting bridges, its what she does best. I of course put out fires for her. The question still remains. Was I ever hers, was she ever mine? How can you live with someone, be so close, almost the same person and never know them. I want to hate her, I want her to come back, I want her to wake up already. Stop spreading her misery, look into the mirror, and see what we saw.
Just
Wake
Up