Monday, May 05, 2008

eleven years ago...

11 years ago.
7:30 P.M arrive to meet Christina and Cheyenne at Espresso To A Tea, in Palm Desert along with Sam, me and, Nick in the stroller.
7:40 - 8:30 show off Nick to Christina, Sam and Cheyenne take a walk and smoke cigarettes. Conversations about how next baby should be a girl. Sam jokes he will hit on all of Nicks hot girlfriends he brings home when he's older. It is the second encounter I have had with Christina and Cheyenne. Conversation flows, I feel at home with them. Nick gets fussy, time to go home and get him to sleep. Hugs and kisses goodbye to our new friends.
8:35 driving home in new (but really old) silver Mazda 626, Honda Accord was stolen week before.
8:45 Sam is driving, Nick in the carseat still awake, but calm. Siouxie And The Banshees "Juju" playing. I watch the full moon from the passenger side window follow us home. Windows down, cool breeze, shooting star. Sam didnt see it, only me.
8:55 arrive home, I want to take a bath, Sam volunteers to rock Nick to sleep, I soak in the tub, come into the bedroom, Sam standing with Nick asleep on his shoulder, the new Dead Can Dance CD just came out. Sams swaying to the CD. Nick is out. We keep the green lava lamp on and put him into our bed.
9:30 I remember we taped Melrose Place the night before, pop it into the VCR.
9:30 to 10:30 Watching Melrose on the couch in t.v room. Im leaning on Sam, he's rubbing my shoulders throughout the show. He tells me he feels nauseated. I dont say anything.
10:30 to 11:35 Talking, channel surfing, I remember, Nick always awakes at midnight. This time I will be one step ahead and warm up a bottle in the microwave for him.
11:35 I check on Nick, he's still sleeping.
11:40 I hear Jay Leno on the t.v, I walk past the den and tell Sam I will warm up a bottle and be right back.
11:40 to 11:41 30 seconds in the microwave, I'll set the bottle next to Nick. I walk past the den, out of the corner of my eye I see Sam.
11:41 to 11:45 Sams in the fetal position, I cant see his face. He is making gasping sounds that I later learn are called "agonal respirations"
11:45 I call his name, I tell him to get up, this isnt funny, Im frozen. I lift up his face by his hair, lips are blue, eyes closed. I tell him to stop, this isnt funny!!!! I beg him to stop, Im frozen, and need to get help. Run to parents room, dad leaps out of bed. My dad shakes Sam, rolls him onto his back, tells my mom to call 911, and tells me we are going to start CPR.
11:50 Moms on the phone, dads doing chest compressions, Im breathing for him, in between breaths I tell him I love him, dont leave us. Dont leave us, dont leave us, I love you, please dont leave us, I plead with god in my mind. I know this is all a dream, it cant really happen.
11:55 Ambulance, fire, and police arrive, I step away and watch.
11:55 to 12:15 they cut his shirt off, I cant see what they are doing because there are so many people working on him. I remember Nick, its after midnight... The medic tells me they are going to transport, to get ready to go with them.
12:20 Im in my room yanking the first shirt I see off the hanger, throw on some jeans, stare at Nick. Nick is still asleep.
12:25 Im in the passenger seat, I ask if they got a pulse, he hesitantly tells me no. I say a prayer in my head begging him to not be in pain.
12:27 We arrive at JFK emergency room, they lead me to another room to get all his information, I cant think, I cant remember our phone number or his date of birth. Im crying, Im in pain, and people on the other side of the glass can see me. I get stares from others.
12:34 Sam is pronounced dead....

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