Friday, January 29, 2010

Making Amends and other half-assed apologies

Dear "D"
I saw you at Target today. I like the hair. Im going through a red phase as well. Dont feel bad, we all put on weight after highschool. I used to be so skinny until I had babies. Now Im a size 6. Fuck. Anyway, at least the extra weight makes your boobs look bigger. So, I noticed you look up at me, and then as soon as our eyes locked, you looked away. Just like you used to back in highschool. I cant understand for the life of me, why you were ever intimidated by me. Think back, I was like 5 feet tall 90 pounds if that. What could I have possibly done to you? You were way bigger than me, you came from a trailer park, thats way more hardcore than me. I wish you wouldnt have taken it all so personally. Its just, when you have a boyfriend that you love more than anything, and you just know that this is IT, this is everything I need in my life to sustain me and all that other teenage bullshit, you dont have the right coping mechanisms to deal with that boyfriend, you know, the love of your life, when he is lying to you constantly, and sticking his penis into anything female within a 50 mile radius of the Coachella Valley... So you have 2 choices. Leave, or stay and pray that something in him changes, that you will be enough, you will be all he needs. Then. Resentment multiplies, trust cant be earned, everywhere you go, another one is there. I lost count after a while. I compared myself to these others. Was it because I was so short, so skinny, was flat chested? Because I studied all of them and they had straight hair, blonde hair, they're jeans didnt hang off of them like they did on me. They all knew about me, and went along with it regardless. I confronted some of them, but it didnt make me feel better. It only made me feel worse. Pathetic. 4 years of it. Now some people would say that I am a person with obvious self-esteem issues, and they would be right. But when I looked at you, it was like looking into a mirror. You never saw that in me, the way I saw it in you. Somehow I had you fooled. I remember when I threw a beer bottle at you at a party, (classy, I know) I cant remember if that was the first time I made you cry. Soon after, whenever you saw me you would look down at the ground. You became my target, you represented what I despised in all the others and I ran with it didnt I? So now Im a 35 year old woman, and when I think back to that time when I was with him, I cant understand how I allowed someone to treat me that way. He lied and I stayed. I hurt, I cried, I finally left and found love again, but that died 3 years later. To me when I think back to that insecure little girl, it feels almost like having an out of body experience. I can watch her from above, I can see right through her angst and fear. Im glad I moved forward and only wasted 4 years and not 40 years.
I eventually had to let go of the resentments towards him. I loved him, and still do. I knew I always wanted him in my life, even if it was just a distant friendship. He has done well, he has found love and happiness. I smile everytime I think of him. These things dont happen overnight. It took a lot of soul-searching and making mistakes, a lot of trial and error. My ego has suffered many bumps and bruises along the way, but I always kept moving forward until I was happy and content with everything. I guess there is no easy way to move through life unscathed, just dont let those wounds turn into scars. I hope one day, that when you look in the mirror you will see me.


amy said...

This is why I am glad I don't remember much from back would hurt and bother me.

I think you remember things so well because you have better coping mechanisms than I do.

Steph said...

I just need to work through everything, and quit analyzing every thought and feeling. Maybe.
I dont know it was pretty cathartic to write that.