Tuesday, January 12, 2010

My mood lifting photo

As I said earlier, I'm doing the year to live meditation. So far so good, not as easy as I thought. Its all about recognizing thought patterns, and exploring where they come from. Sounds easy. Not so. When you actually take time to pay careful attention to your moods and inner dialogue 24-7 you (or at least I) see how easy it is to avoid certain thoughts and feelings. You cover them up, distract yourself enough until you realize, "Holy shit, I never DID deal with Sam's death did I" or why am I always so rushed? Why do I stress when someone cuts me off? Why do I have such a low bullshit tolerance when I expect others to accept me and all my faults? Why do I sabotage anything good that comes my way? How much longer can I bury all things unpleasant before it all spills out of me? With every realization comes more questions, and since I cant afford a therapist right now I'm digging. Digging deeper into places that aren't always cozy and warm. I am leaving my happy place in an effort to evolve and understand things better. Short bouts with my emotional cyclones are just part of the process and well worth it. With this, I am slowly and gently learning to live mindfully. My thoughts have shifted and lifted. I still have a long way to go, but feel better dealing with everything head on. I hope to be a better mom, friend, daughter, wife, sister and LIVE everyday to the fullest.


amy said...

the photo's nice...your words are awesome

Desert Backroad Dweller said...

I think 2010 is the year for this. It must be. I'm going through the same thing - with therapist - and trying to forgive myself e'vry time my synapses keep firing down their old well-worn, angry paths.

thanks for visiting my blog, and Joshua Tree! I highly recommend the book I'm reading right now (FLOW - there's a picture of it on my blawg). It's really getting me focused on how to change the way I react to the world.