Thursday, March 11, 2010
I don't know where to start, because I don't know where and when this began. I wont go into to much detail. My moods have been darker, my sleep patterns have been very off, my weight has plummeted, my mind has been racing, my body exhausted. It slowly crept up on me. It didn't all happen at once. I just noticed the colors around me lost there vibrancy, music didn't inspire me, I had no motivation to get out of bed.
This is depression.
Does this mean I have a "mental illness" Will it consume me for much longer? Why am I this way? Is it a hormonal or chemical imbalance? How much worse can this get?
Here's my problem. If I have nothing to be sad about, how can I have depression? Well after much research, I realized it doesn't necessarily have to be about that. In my case, I believe there are numerous contributing factors.
So even though I feel like complete crap and want nothing more then to lay in bed under the covers, I am forcing myself to move. I am taking small steps, watching what I eat, trying to get enough sleep, sitting in the sunlight, and writing in my journal.
Yesterday, I went to see Tom in Orange County, stopped in Redlands along the way. I am always drawn to Redlands because of all the trees. I parked on an empty street next to a field of wild flowers, I took photos at different times when the sun was going down, had music playing in my car as I sat there. I get small increments of relief that distract me enough to get through the days and remind me of who I am.
Then it started to sprinkle. I went to my favorite thrift shop and bought a jacket, a purse and red velvet nightgown all for under 10 bucks. That in itself lifted my mood. I sat in my car and read some of the books I have been given by friends.
Seeing Tom was like seeing sunlight again. Ive been wearing his dog tags, he told me they are good luck, I believe him since he didn't die in Iraq when he wore them. He is taking Friday off and will be down tonight, I am taking things day by day and being gentle with myself. A few people have reached out to me in so many ways. These people have so much love and kindness in there hearts and they know who they are. I am thankful for there kind words, smiles, advice, and for there ability to just listen. I have a lot to be grateful for and hope to be myself again soon.