Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Me, a full moon, and my thoughts.

Looking at the desert from up high. The wind was loud, the moon full and bright, cant help but feel pure peace and joy. That was my moment of zen. Its been so hot lately. I feel like I'm suffocating, not just in the physical sense, but mentally, I feel like I just need to break free. Free from what? No clue. I'm used to running away. Maybe my subconscious mind is at odds with my contentment with life. Maybe this is how life SHOULD feel. When you thrive on chaos for so many years, you forget what it feels like to have calm. You have to adjust to a new sense of safety, and resist the urge to self sabotage. I have a love/hate relationship with life in the summertime. My moods are ultra sensitive to weather. Fall is just around the corner, and winter is my favorite. I have so much to look forward to. I just need to keep it all in perspective.
Ive been staying up late painting, writing in my journal, reading the Tibetan Book Of The Dead, staying busy, staying creative to pass the time of our last week of freedom before school starts. Time to get back into the routine, of earlier bedtimes, homework battles, and adjustments to high school. Where did the time go. My Nick is already starting high school and I get butterflies just thinking about it. I want to hold his hand and do it for him. Letting go of a little more control and letting his independence shine through terrifies me. Its just when you think they need you the most you are forced to stand back and let them be. I am so proud of my boys and who they are becoming. This is such an incredible time. I want to be present. I want to enjoy each moment and not take it for granted. I will aim to focus on the now and put my worrying aside in an effort to be a better mom for my boys.

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