Sunday, June 15, 2008

Fathers Day

Father's Day means more when you know what a father actually is. Never was really a big deal in our family. We didnt really have traditions. My only role model showed me hate, fear, and violence towards women at an early age. So of course years later, Im drawn to drunks, junkies, schitzo's, homeless people, and (animals as well) The damaged, do love the damaged. But once you come to that realization and have children of your own, you want something different. It all shifted after I had Nick. When I was a little girl I always imagined being a single mom. There was never a male prescence in all my dreams of motherhood. To me, it would be much simpler to take it all on myself. Afterall men are just boys, and why raise 2 kids. I prefer one at a time.
Sam was a good father. He was very close to his. He couldnt understand my relationship with mine. He would always try to get us to "talk". He wanted us to mend our broken relationship for the sake of our son. At times I would try, but the awkwardness became too much. We are like two strangers that shared the same relatives. Clearly, Sam just didnt get it.
After I became pregnant with Nick, I loved the idea of raising a son with Sam. So, we didnt have money, and yeah, we still lived with my parents, but we were happy, and when he was born, Sam loved Nick more than anything in the world.
Sean, like me, had a very flawed relationship with his dad. Maybe thats why I latched on so tight to him. He understood me, he understood my distrust in everyone. He didnt mind I was bitter and damaged. After the first year, it was crystal clear that history was repeating itself. We had another son, and now 2 boys that witnessed violence against there mother, screaming matches, and never knew what to expect when we were in the same room together. Divorce was the only option. We never wanted to put our sons through what we went through, but its ironic how difficult that becomes when both parties have no idea what "normal" really is.
Tom, was very brave to take on all my baggage. Im still unsure if he truly knew what he was getting himself into. I think I finally got it right this time. I see him with the boys. They are not his biologically, but he has given them more than any man has, and ever would. He is patient, he is learning, he is building there trust. He gave them stability. Its all I ever wanted. I just didnt know how to get there. With all that has happend, past and present, I see my father in a new light. He, like me, was young when he had us, he had an abusive father, he didnt know what being a father was. He tried his best, and though he may have done a lot of terrible things, he more than makes up for that whenever I see him with my boys. I wouldnt choose any other man to be there papa. I wouldnt change anything about my childhood. I appreciate him. I love him, and everything has fallen into place as it has always been intended.

Monday, June 02, 2008

running circles

Even when you are running circles around me, you notice the smallest things and stop to enjoy it with all you have. When does this gift go away? I want to perserve it forever. I want to bottle your innocence and never let it go. I love all of our little moments, just you and I. I love how you teach me new things, on every one of our adventures. I will always be here for you Steve-o.