Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Lifes a beach

And life is wonderful, amid all the chaos they create, I always come back to that same conclusion.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Family Bonding/ Moments of gratitude

So after reading "The Secret" I decided to start a gratitude journal with the boys. Tonight before there bedtime, we started it.
Nick is grateful for: 1.) For going to the doctor and getting a diagnosis today (ear infection).
2.) For Steve-o also seeing the doctor and getting a diagnosis as well (bronchitis).
3.) Being able to relax and play video games.
4.) Charlie his dog is healthy and alive.
Steve-o is grateful for: (In his own words)
1.) " I never died"
2.) " Its almost September, and I can be in kindergarten".
3.) "I will see myself get better".

Im so proud of them. I am grateful they are healthy boys, I have a boyfriend that is my best friend and treats me like a princess, and my Volkswagon Beetle. (The funnest car to drive) Oh also air conditioning. I remember being pregnant with Nick in the summertime with my little Honda Accord with no air conditioning. It is a luxury I will never take for granted.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

What makes me smile.

1.)The family of ducks living in the lake outside my place.
2.)Reading by the pool.
3.)My Volkswagon Beetle.
4. Road trips with Thom.
5.)Lavender fields.
6.) Candlelit baths.
7.) Steve-o dancing.
8.) Playing chess with Nick.
I wake up every morning and try to see the beauty in everything and embrace it all.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Love in the asylum

Looking back through old dream notes I find:
Forty beds, two occupied by women patients. I ask if they would like a shot of morphine. They say they would. Looking for narc cabinet. An orderly shows me that you press a button and it opens. Vials with screw tops. Cant assemble injection.

A stranger has come to share my room, in the house, not quite right in the head. A girl. She reaches up and almost scratches me, then pulls herself back. I wouldn't hurt her. I wouldn't slap her.

You know its my way of showing you that I feel the same way about you as you feel about me. You must have noticed that already! You must have, or you wouldn't go out of your way to do things for me.
Love in the asylum with coal black skies shines brightly.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Out of bitterness. Written 2/10/2006

7 years lost, one son gained, experienced infidelity from the other side this time around. Then...
Powertripped my way into his heart and mind, more than a willing participant. I only did what I set out to do, even told you the first 60 seconds of meeting you. I really want you, and you will leave your wife for me, it will run its course, and I will be blissfully alone in my self contained misery.
I want to experience everything, the good the bad, the highs and lows, No in between extremes.
I want to get as close to death as possible, fuck anyone who appeals to me, no strings attached, give everything I own away to all the needy victims of life, then move to Portland right after seeing the Eifle Tower he promised to take me to.
If I had the money, I'd pull my kids out of the public school system and give them a REAL education all around the world. Show us what life really is out of the bubble.
I am a child raising children, in a world that wont exist much longer. Our gift to them.
Im still chomping at the bit to fulfill what is less empty, but still longing for more.
Tired of always "doing the right thing"
I live and thrive on pain. I was raised that way. Its nature versus nurture and my father made sure I suffered like him.
All strength came from him, fear and a series of mixed messages from my mother.
I choose to break the cycle for my little ones.
If I die tomorrow, I have no regrets, for I gave life to the two most amazing children.

Saturday, June 02, 2007


Hell is just around the corner, I need to quit putting things on hold, perpetual limbo it seems.
No time like the present.
Maintaining sanity, balancing karma, finances, babysitting tips, swapping her dark luck for my pity.
Ive spent all I can on her.
I am her and she is me, and that can never change, even with, distance, new loves, devastating mistakes, betrayals, lies, loss.
Never regret anything.

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

I still wake up after dreaming of you, missing you, feeling the ache and emptiness left in my heart. Coming to terms with everything.
You showed me who you were and I chose not to believe you.
You said it was all smoke and mirrors, then I laughed.
So much more was supposed to happen, our time was too short. I miss you even though I never even knew you...