Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year (365 days to live)

I have a year to live

So this is my new years resolution. I'm reading " A year to live" by Stephen Levine" I have only read his sons books (Noah Levine "Dharma Punx") and I'm really excited to dedicate a year to live as if it were my last. Its very easy to get caught up in so many things that don't really matter, I know I spend to much time and energy on holding grudges, not spending enough time with loved ones, not playing with my sons... Not living!!!! The most important role in my life is being a mother and letting my sons know how much I truly love them. I hope to spend more time living as much as possible and not sweating the small stuff. Now that I'm not working, this is the perfect time to start this project.
Step one: Preparing to die. Yay, Ive never been so excited to die in my life.
Happy New Year to everyone!!!!!

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Rose Ring

One of my earliest memories. I was 4, at Happyland Preschool in Mrs Abbots class.The weekend before, I picked out a ring from the Date Festival. It was the most valuable thing I owned. It was a beautiful rose, and my mom got me the smallest size available. Still, it was loose and often fell off my finger. My mom didn't want me to take it to school, she was afraid I would lose it. Well, she was right. I lost it, I panicked. I looked through the sand in the sand box, by the swings, I looked until we had to go inside. A few minutes later, I see it, on Kenneth Bowmans pinky. I told him it was mine and to give it back, he refused. He got punched in the stomach, he cried. Mrs Abbot, took the ring, then I cried. When my mom came to pick me up that day, Mrs Abbot told my mother about the ring and about the punching incident. My mom made me apologize to Kenneth (even though I really believed he deserved it) and off we went. My mom kept the ring in her purse and reminded me why she didn't want me to take it to school. My response to her was, "it wasn't my fault, the wind blew it off my finger" At the time, I thought that was a good enough story. It wasn't. When she eventually did give me my ring back I lost it again. It was gone for good. I have since been fixated with rose rings. Now, I have one, and even better, its adjustable.

Friday, December 25, 2009


Lazy Xmas day, no worries, just peace and contentment in his arms.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

sensory overload




egos clashing

graffiti restrooms

liquor flowing

numbing thoughts

people dancing

others stomping

ears ringing

heart pounding

flashes fired

friends reunite

mind drifting

far away

years from past

replay out loud

motion surrounding

eyes heavy

anticipating later

while patience fades

spinning further

into him.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Perfect day (and this time Im not being sarcastic)

So Julie turned me onto a new park. She kept raving about how beautiful it was, with a lake, ducks, little pathways, and even suggested Tom and I get married there. Tom and Steveo and I checked it out. Now normally, unless its overcast or raining, or really breezy, I just prefer to stay indoors, but today was extraordinarily beautiful. The weather was cool, breezy, not to sunny.

And YES, this is the perfect place for a wedding. ( Thanks Julie)

Insomnia again

The house is sound asleep, so why cant I be...

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Urban Landscapes

Drove for 2 hours, found beauty around every corner...

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Thanksgiving, exploring spaces

The drive to Phoenix wasnt bad, the boys didnt fight, we all just listened to music and enjoyed the ride. Toms grandmas house felt like home, she is a typical grandma, cozy, sweet, warm. His family treats the boys well. We are family now, I have to keep reminding myself. I have a tendency to resist new relationships, and not allow people inside my life so easily. It feels good to let my guard down and relax. His family is now my family, and they have welcomed us with open arms.
Steveo and I went for a walk, stumbled upon a little church, the light hit it perfectly, I took a few pictures of it and thought about how in other states there are little churches like this on every corner. Not so much in California. Im happy I got to spend time in Arizona and see where Tom grew up.

Monday, November 23, 2009

First and last day of Volunteering at The Animal Shelter

So it was a nice thought, but in reality, I am allergic to dogs and cats. I did think of that before I started. I just imagined I would be outside in the fresh air with all these dogs running around, playing catch, petting them all, being sure to give equal amounts of attention to each one, just giving them all I had for approximately 2-3 hours max.
What REALLY happened, was this:
1) Get all the dogs outside (this is what they do first when they open) sounds easy, but not all of them want to go outside so they hide and you try to entice them with treats to get them out. This process took about 20 minutes.
2) Get all the newspaper that they lay on the bottom of each kennel, and throw it away. (most of the newspaper was wet with urine)
3) Take all the towels from each kennel that have poop on it and throw it in the washer. ( that was pretty much all the towels)
4) Scrape all the poop that DIDN'T land on the towel or newspaper off of the bottom of the kennel. (that's when things started to sink in, this is not what I had in mind)
5) Sweep all the dog and cat rooms and prepare to mop. (this is where my asthma started to kick in and my eye was beginning to itch)
6) After not really sweeping that much, I grab a mop and start mopping, 15 minutes of mopping and depriving myself of the necessary amount of oxygen, I start to plan my escape.
7) While the owner was talking on the phone I tell her Im done mopping and feel a little sick but will come back next Friday and thank her as I grab my purse and walk out the door, ( Not sure why I thanked her or why I told her I would be back next Friday)
So on the drive home, I look in the mirror, lots of red hives, eye swollen shut, hit my inhaler a few times, go home, take a Benadryl, take a bath, and try to forget the whole thing happened.
Fast forward to Sunday, In the urgent care, still cant breathe, on steroids. Poor Tom had to shell out 170$ total, and deal with my attitude (I'm a bitch when I cant breathe) So today, I can breathe much better, have 6 more days of steroids, and am already dealing with the side effects (puffy face, insomnia, sweating, increased appetite)
So now Im just going to take it easy and just love the animals in my immediate family.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Karma points

Today I begin my volunteering at The Coachella Valley Animal Rescue Center. Last week when I went online to check out all the animal shelters in the desert, I saw that The Orphan Pet Oasis has a whole page dedicated to there volunteers. The page shows a bunch of happy people walking the dogs, smiling, holding the little ones. It was like a beautiful harmonious world where animals and humans unite. A world with no discrimination, no violence, like heaven on earth. So I got the idea to volunteer at the Coachella Center and when I spoke with the owner, she asked me if I was available to start tomorrow (today) and without thinking I said yes. She looked surprised and really excited and told me she hasnt had a break in a long time and had some errands to run. She said she is all alone on Fridays until 12:00 and could really use me. I asked her about the other volunteers ( you know, like at the Orphan pet oasis) she said I will be the only one. So, I get the feeling she wants me to stay there all day, every Friday. To be honest, I really dont want to commit to that. I love animals, but playing with them every other Friday for an hour or two seems mighty generous, but anything more than that???? Since last night, I have been repeating this little Mantra: I WILL NOT ALLOW MYSELF TO AGREE TO DO MORE THAN 2 FRIDAYS A MONTH, I AM STRONG, I WILL NOT BE STEAMROLLED. She seems a little aggressive and I have a tendency to not always stand up for myself (my therapist says I need to exercise healthy boundries, but I didnt stay in therapy long enough to learn how) So today will be interesting, I am off to my little k-9 utopia to bond with the animals.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


So we didnt get our Frenchton (long story, dont want to talk about it) but I did get the next best thing... A puppy/best buddy for my parents puppy Paco. My mom and I picked him out from the Coachella Animal Rescue. We fell in love with his relaxed demeanor and ability to snuggle right into your neck. We love him. His name is Jaxson (yes Im spelling it that way)he was actually named by the owner of the shelter since he was found on Jackon St. I wish I could rescue them all. Im such an animal lover, and this little guy just stole my heart.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Monday, November 16, 2009

Inspirational photograph ( I took this on Olvera St)

When Im alone and have no distractions, I view the world in a series of images. When I stop and look around, I see the beauty in everything, and everyone, and these little moment of silences that I live for, drown out all the bad and gives me a glimpse into a better world not so far out of reach.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Day of the dead

Last night I was coming home from my moms and decided to go for a drive. I always end up around the Coachella Cemetery. I love that cemetery. If a Cemetery could ever feel like home, than that one is my second home. It is so old, the trees are huge, and I always feel a sense of peace and calm when Im there. Last night the traffic near the cemetery was backed up. I cant believe I forgot that it was Day of the Dead. I was in my pajamas and wearing slippers but that wasnt going to stop me from checking it out. I had to park pretty far, but it was so worth it. Had I remembered, I would have brought some candles and fruit (to offer my favorite dead people)
Since I didnt come prepared, I just walked around and took pictures of all the graves lit up by candles. There was such a festive vibe, I could have stayed for hours. Instead, I went to my grandpas grave and sat staring at the full moon. I feel bad that all I had to offer was a stick of gum and a half empty bottle of water. Oh Well, next year I will be more prepared.