Pop rocks, Kandinsky, football; Mother of the f@#$%^& Year

1. Put batteries in Nicks walkie-talkies so I can have contact with him whenever I want (overprotective much) CHECK
2. Calls to dentist make appts for us, call and cancel Timewarner because they suck, plead with the IRS not to come after for a couple more months, calls to check into homeschooling because LQMS sucks, calls to refill scripps ( for mothers little helpers) call to make appt with my doc for lab results, CHECK (WELL ALMOST ALL)
3. Take Steve0 to get art supplies to do a Kandinsky-like landscape and make hand made crafty thank yous, then bribe him with PopRocks to be good while shopping. CHECK
4. Watch Steveo ingest PopRocks for the first time and laugh and get nostalgic about going to the Palm Desert mall with Elizabeth and buying PopRocks from Whats-Up (the coolest store in the mall at that time) CHECK
5. Coming home to find a bunch of kids in my house. CHECK
6. Distract Steveo from throwing massive tantrum because he cannot follow Nick and his friends to there "club house" in the middle of the desert, and thus offering bubblegum and other sweets to him. CHECK
7. Finishing Steveos Kandinsky city scape that was 97% done. CHECK
8. Allow Steveo to demonstrate how to throw a football so Im not so "girly" CHECK
9. Yell at Nick for coming home at 4:45 instead of 4:00 like I asked (in front of all his friends) CHECK
10. Clean house, do more laundry, pet Charlie (I think he feels left out sometimes) CHECK
11. Bribe Steveo with fast food to take a bath and put PJ's on CHECK
12. Hunt Nick down at his friends house (again) and drag his butt back. CHECK
13. Call Tom and tell him how shitty my day was, and inquire about his. CHECK
14. Read some of The System of a down biography that I got Nick (that he hasnt touched) check email, bank account and see what bills posted, lay out my scrubs for manana, pop sleeping pill. CHECK

Winter Wonderland

I love Idyllwild. I really love not living in the snow, but having the luxury of visiting the snow fairly easily. We went sledding, built a snowman, watched the boys throw snowballs at each other, all in celebration of Steve-o's 7th birthday.

Happy Birthday My Steve-o

Its been 7 years today. You bring me so much joy, so many smiles when I watch you just being you. It almost seems selfish, how much happiness I get. You are my world baby. I want to squeeze you tight forever. Im am so grateful to be your mom. I hope one day you will understand how deeply my love for you is. Happy Birthday baby!!!!

Mr. Charlie

So last night, Charlie went stiff, his little body started contorting to a weird position, eyes glazed over, gasping for air. He gave me the scare of my life. I have only seen humans have seizures. He was wobbly for an hour after. ( The Post -ictal phase )I just kept petting him and telling him I loved him. Im waiting for the vets office to open. Im not sure why this happend, or if it was an isolated incident, but I know today, I will have him by my side all day long. They need to have a doggie 911 system for crap like this.

Note to the kidlets

In a perfect world, you will grow up, have a great career, marry a beautiful wife, and have beautiful children playing in your beautiful house surrounded by a white pickett fence. Celebrating the joys of life together as a family... If for some reason, that is not how your life turns out, thats okay, you are not alone. Just do me one favor. Please. Call your children on Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthdays and other holidays and special occasions, because they should not be the ones calling you, afterall, you are THERE FATHER.

Why Joshua Tree makes me happy

Because, You can climb, jump, explore, all in 65 degree weather. My boys were like spiders, Nick was the cautious one, Steve-o leaped from boulder to boulder with no fear. Me and Tom just sat and watched and took our time.

Hollywood Forever Cemetery

Smack dab in the middle of Hollywood. Santa Monica Blvd and Van Ness, next to Paramount Studios. It exudes old Hollywood when you pass the gates. Breathtakingly peaceful, ancient trees hovering all the pathways, cool breezes and beatiful views from every angle. Pure zen. It far exceeded my expectations. My first Day Of The Dead celebration was with 2 of my favorite people. Nick and Tom. They made it so much better, we topped it off with a trip to Canters. Cant go to Hollywood and not stop at Canters. I cant wait to go back next year.

Letting go

I read a good article in my Yoga magazine about forgiveness. It was a good article but didnt seem to pertain to myself. I tried to think of any bitterness any regrets I may have that still need to be resolved. Any issues? I couldnt think of any. I couldnt think of anything that I havent already dealt with and gotten past. Then I see the pictures. Im on a friends site and see he uploaded pictures from 2005. Ok its been 3 years time to move on already. Just seeing them brought out emotions that quite frankly confused me. Sadness, then anger. It was a time when my marriage was hanging on by a thread. A time when I had a house, a beautiful victorian house, with a yard, with trees, with a school and a park nearby. In my mind perfect for raising my boys. In my mind, (back then) It was where we would be forever. I would sit on the porch in the rocking chair and imagine my boys growing up there, turning into men, filling the house with grandkids. Oh what an imagination I had. So this house, represented so much to me. I am married with kids, living a "grown-up" life. I found my place in life. I was doing exactly what I was intended to be doing. But it wasnt enough. I dont want to put blame on any one person. I guess I am beyond that, but I miss the dream. I miss the house and what it represented. Im angry that it didnt go the way I planned. Maybe Im just a control freak, but It was our house. The boys deserved to have a peaceful upbringing. And from an outsiders view looking in, it was all those things and more. In reality, it was anything but peaceful...
I need to move forward, I realize I havent yet. I need to let go, and learn from the mistakes and see life for what it is RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, because as much as I would love to have control over the past, I cant change it. Its done, the house, the husband, the dream of Redlands and a future there. Gone.
I have to look at how far we as a family have come. New house, new fiance, family and friends around always, my boys are happy, Im happy, Im not worried about infidelity, abuse, lack of money... My boys have stability. And there father... Slowly fading out of there existence. Weekly visits, to bi-montly visits, to monthly to, " not sure if I can get them this weekend had something come up" maybe next time visits. They dont even ask about him anymore. I cant control others, I cant choose for him. I cant force anything upon him. I am not in control. I can only do my part for our boys. My life is nothing without the happiness of my boys. And I see the big picture. I am grateful for being able to see the big picture and see we are in the right place. My boys have a father, he will always be there. Im sure of it. And I have never felt that before in my life. We have so much to look forward to.

Journey to the mountains

So I never felt to much for the outdoors, until I moved away from the desert and saw actual living trees. Greenery. I get sick of dead plants, tumbleweeds, dirt, heat, and sun glaring at all times. The same way people in Alaska get S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder) I get the opposite. I am not energized in the summertime, I do not crave the sun, I do not wish to be outside in the heat. I despise it. I would much rather live in shades of grey, the smell of rain gives me energy. When it rains and I hear the crash of thunder, and see the lightening, I get so excited I want to be outside, I love to drive in the rain with the windows down and scream to the music I blare at full volume. Cant do that down here. It rarely rains. The grass is literally greener on the otherside. Oregon, Washington, even New Orleans are calling my name. I hope to one day fulfill that fantasy.
I love to pack the boys in the car and just drive. Spur of the moment, no destination in mind, and see where we end up. Those little mini-adventures just solidify the bond between us. We discovers so much about each other. I see there very different personalities come out.
Last adventure: Idlywild. Loved it. Cloudy, then sunny, then cloudy, 86 degrees, little family owned shops on every corner. The boys even got smoothies, I got my wheatgrass. Next step, we need a good hiking stick. Easy, now we roam. Wherever they want to go, I follow, I observe, Im the last in line. Steve-o sings to himself following Nick. Nick is happily the navigator. His purpose, to find water. We listen. We listen to birds, wind, and yes, we even hear water. We take a break and climb up huge boulders and lay. We each have our own. The most amazing view, of the trees, the clouds, shadiness, and a slight breeze. Heaven. I took photos, to remember. I want them to remember. I want them to appreciate how beautiful this world is. I want them to remember I took them there, I want them to remember all of our little adventures.

Fathers Day

Father's Day means more when you know what a father actually is. Never was really a big deal in our family. We didnt really have traditions. My only role model showed me hate, fear, and violence towards women at an early age. So of course years later, Im drawn to drunks, junkies, schitzo's, homeless people, and (animals as well) The damaged, do love the damaged. But once you come to that realization and have children of your own, you want something different. It all shifted after I had Nick. When I was a little girl I always imagined being a single mom. There was never a male prescence in all my dreams of motherhood. To me, it would be much simpler to take it all on myself. Afterall men are just boys, and why raise 2 kids. I prefer one at a time.
Sam was a good father. He was very close to his. He couldnt understand my relationship with mine. He would always try to get us to "talk". He wanted us to mend our broken relationship for the sake of our son. At times I would try, but the awkwardness became too much. We are like two strangers that shared the same relatives. Clearly, Sam just didnt get it.
After I became pregnant with Nick, I loved the idea of raising a son with Sam. So, we didnt have money, and yeah, we still lived with my parents, but we were happy, and when he was born, Sam loved Nick more than anything in the world.
Sean, like me, had a very flawed relationship with his dad. Maybe thats why I latched on so tight to him. He understood me, he understood my distrust in everyone. He didnt mind I was bitter and damaged. After the first year, it was crystal clear that history was repeating itself. We had another son, and now 2 boys that witnessed violence against there mother, screaming matches, and never knew what to expect when we were in the same room together. Divorce was the only option. We never wanted to put our sons through what we went through, but its ironic how difficult that becomes when both parties have no idea what "normal" really is.
Tom, was very brave to take on all my baggage. Im still unsure if he truly knew what he was getting himself into. I think I finally got it right this time. I see him with the boys. They are not his biologically, but he has given them more than any man has, and ever would. He is patient, he is learning, he is building there trust. He gave them stability. Its all I ever wanted. I just didnt know how to get there. With all that has happend, past and present, I see my father in a new light. He, like me, was young when he had us, he had an abusive father, he didnt know what being a father was. He tried his best, and though he may have done a lot of terrible things, he more than makes up for that whenever I see him with my boys. I wouldnt choose any other man to be there papa. I wouldnt change anything about my childhood. I appreciate him. I love him, and everything has fallen into place as it has always been intended.

running circles

Even when you are running circles around me, you notice the smallest things and stop to enjoy it with all you have. When does this gift go away? I want to perserve it forever. I want to bottle your innocence and never let it go. I love all of our little moments, just you and I. I love how you teach me new things, on every one of our adventures. I will always be here for you Steve-o.

Fragile Soul

I cant believe how much love I can have for something. Your sweet sweet face with freckled cheeks, big dimples, and beautiful smile gives me butterflies. You are so sweet and such a sensitive boy. You already wear your heart on your sleeve. I want to always protect you. Keep you innocent and happy. Do you remember in Redlands, bike riding, just me and you? You told me I was your "side-kick and best buddy". I want to always be that for you. You make me so proud to be your mother. I love you my beautiful sweet Steve-o.

adolecence the first soul crusher

Adolecence, is the first in a series of devastations to be felt through out life. Boys have it worse. Too old for G.I Joes, too young for just about everything else. Male bravado, surging horomones, a taste of freedom, a feeling of invincibility that cannot be lifted no matter what "we" try to tell them. Im forced to stand back. Let him learn, grow, hurt, wait... He challenges my every word, he's up, he's down, he "has all the answers" but at the end of the day, I dont give up, I love him, I love him more and more, I know just holding him when he feels defeated conveys the love I have for him. He is my soul mate, til death do us part.