Monday, December 29, 2008

Pop rocks, Kandinsky, football; Mother of the f@#$%^& Year

1. Put batteries in Nicks walkie-talkies so I can have contact with him whenever I want (overprotective much) CHECK
2. Calls to dentist make appts for us, call and cancel Timewarner because they suck, plead with the IRS not to come after for a couple more months, calls to check into homeschooling because LQMS sucks, calls to refill scripps ( for mothers little helpers) call to make appt with my doc for lab results, CHECK (WELL ALMOST ALL)
3. Take Steve0 to get art supplies to do a Kandinsky-like landscape and make hand made crafty thank yous, then bribe him with PopRocks to be good while shopping. CHECK
4. Watch Steveo ingest PopRocks for the first time and laugh and get nostalgic about going to the Palm Desert mall with Elizabeth and buying PopRocks from Whats-Up (the coolest store in the mall at that time) CHECK
5. Coming home to find a bunch of kids in my house. CHECK
6. Distract Steveo from throwing massive tantrum because he cannot follow Nick and his friends to there "club house" in the middle of the desert, and thus offering bubblegum and other sweets to him. CHECK
7. Finishing Steveos Kandinsky city scape that was 97% done. CHECK
8. Allow Steveo to demonstrate how to throw a football so Im not so "girly" CHECK
9. Yell at Nick for coming home at 4:45 instead of 4:00 like I asked (in front of all his friends) CHECK
10. Clean house, do more laundry, pet Charlie (I think he feels left out sometimes) CHECK
11. Bribe Steveo with fast food to take a bath and put PJ's on CHECK
12. Hunt Nick down at his friends house (again) and drag his butt back. CHECK
13. Call Tom and tell him how shitty my day was, and inquire about his. CHECK
14. Read some of The System of a down biography that I got Nick (that he hasnt touched) check email, bank account and see what bills posted, lay out my scrubs for manana, pop sleeping pill. CHECK

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Winter Wonderland

I love Idyllwild. I really love not living in the snow, but having the luxury of visiting the snow fairly easily. We went sledding, built a snowman, watched the boys throw snowballs at each other, all in celebration of Steve-o's 7th birthday.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Happy Birthday My Steve-o

Its been 7 years today. You bring me so much joy, so many smiles when I watch you just being you. It almost seems selfish, how much happiness I get. You are my world baby. I want to squeeze you tight forever. Im am so grateful to be your mom. I hope one day you will understand how deeply my love for you is. Happy Birthday baby!!!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Happy Birthday Mom

If I can be 50% of the mom you were to me, then my kids would be lucky. Im glad you are my mother, you taught me to be honest, caring, and strong. You believed in me when I didnt believe in myself. You know me better than anyone. I trust you more than anyone on the planet. You always just want whats best for me and the boys. I am so grateful to be your daughter. I love you mom. Oh, if I could buy you a mansion on the beach along with a maid and a chef, I would in a heartbeat, however, due to my negative financial status I cannot.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

There I go again off on a tangent

I look around and see how much I have and no matter how kind I may be to my patients at work, how loving I try to be towards my children, no matter how much effort I put into being a better "me" its never enough. I feel like I should be doing more. I feel stuck. Dare I say, stagnant... Im so lucky to be surrounded by loving, caring, people. I try hard not to ever forget that. I am blessed on so many levels, but whenever I start to feel content, I want to do more. My previous routine would be to pack up, go on a road trip, move, whatever, just runaway. From what? I still dont know. I look around and feel guilty. I see kids at my work that have so much less than my kids have. The families I deal with are dirt poor, and with the exception of a few, they are profoundly happy and close. They are grateful for the care we give them, they love there children, they are patient with them, and want whats best for them. Then I look at my kids and see how much they have. How much WE have. My kids (and myself included) are always wanting more. If they just get this Xbox 360 they "will never ask for anything again" Its a pattern that we all fall into and I want to be content without all this "stuff" I want to teach my kids to truly be grateful for all they have and know what its like to be present, and not to wait for things. I want to teach them these things, but how can I when I am just like them? I think about my tax return and all the "stuff " I can get from it. Its sickening.
New Years Resolution: Give.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Mr. Charlie

So last night, Charlie went stiff, his little body started contorting to a weird position, eyes glazed over, gasping for air. He gave me the scare of my life. I have only seen humans have seizures. He was wobbly for an hour after. ( The Post -ictal phase )I just kept petting him and telling him I loved him. Im waiting for the vets office to open. Im not sure why this happend, or if it was an isolated incident, but I know today, I will have him by my side all day long. They need to have a doggie 911 system for crap like this.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Note to the kidlets

In a perfect world, you will grow up, have a great career, marry a beautiful wife, and have beautiful children playing in your beautiful house surrounded by a white pickett fence. Celebrating the joys of life together as a family... If for some reason, that is not how your life turns out, thats okay, you are not alone. Just do me one favor. Please. Call your children on Thanksgiving, Christmas, Birthdays and other holidays and special occasions, because they should not be the ones calling you, afterall, you are THERE FATHER.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Why I dislike Thanksgiving

Because, I'd just rather retreat to my room and ignore my relatives. A characteristic I inherited from my father, and now realize I passed onto my youngest son Steve-o. Just when I came to terms with my lonerness (is that even a word) I feel like I have a responsibility to pass on a family tradition to my sons. But thats just it, I dont come from a traditional family. I am close to very few people in my family, and because of that, I see them pretty much on a daily basis. So why on this day, do we have to have extended family over and sit down and eat together? Why do I have to pretend to be into it? Steve-o asked me a great question today in the car, "can I just stay in my room and watch t.v until everyone leaves" To that I responded NO. But then thought, why not? I can relate to him on so many levels. He is my mini-me, my male counterpart, quirks and all... My genetics have passed on more than just chipmunk cheeks and curly hair. Now that I see this, maybe I should just go with it, instead of against it, bring out and enhance his inner emo. So tomorrow, if I feel like curling up in a ball under the covers reading my Ingrid Betancourt book then I will, and if Steve-o wants to stay confined to his room until our guests leave, then I will support that. So I guess Im pretty much saying Fuck You to Thanksgiving tradition, and refuse to give in to the holiday chaos. Yay me!!!

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Why Joshua Tree makes me happy

Because, You can climb, jump, explore, all in 65 degree weather. My boys were like spiders, Nick was the cautious one, Steve-o leaped from boulder to boulder with no fear. Me and Tom just sat and watched and took our time.

Friday, November 21, 2008

This is for his own good

So I say to him, the amount of time you sit here and justify your actions, or lack thereof, you could be sitting at the table knocking out this packet of homework on Islam. The energy you use to suck whatever is left of my sanity, could be used to get straigt A's, find a cure for cancer, and create world peace. Dont you see what a brilliant mind you have? You can do ANYTHING you put your mind to. (except play on the computer, watch t.v, play on the x-box, go outside, or talk on the phone) NOW SIT YOUR ASS DOWN AT THE TABLE AND DO IT. DO ALL OF IT!!!! I AM NOT PLAYING ANYMORE!!!!!
Everynight, doesnt he get tired of it? Doesnt he just want to see me smile? He negotiates like no one I have ever met. It hurts my head. I hate arguing with him. And if my blood pressure soars beyond its normal limits and I have a stroke and die, I hope someday he will look back and realize, I did it all for his own good, because I know he has the potential to do monumental things with his brain, because I believe in his abilities and know him better than anyone, and will not accept anything less from him. I love him more than words can ever convey.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

When there is conflict, I cannot sleep, I cannot stop re-playing the words last exchanged during extreme frustration, I cannot eat, food doesnt taste good. My mind is exhausted, I feel like I just ran a marathon. I always aim to be polite, calm, not to overeact. Easier said than done. When will I ever learn? I swear there is an art form to knowing just when to shut the fuck up....

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Hollywood Forever Cemetery

Smack dab in the middle of Hollywood. Santa Monica Blvd and Van Ness, next to Paramount Studios. It exudes old Hollywood when you pass the gates. Breathtakingly peaceful, ancient trees hovering all the pathways, cool breezes and beatiful views from every angle. Pure zen. It far exceeded my expectations. My first Day Of The Dead celebration was with 2 of my favorite people. Nick and Tom. They made it so much better, we topped it off with a trip to Canters. Cant go to Hollywood and not stop at Canters. I cant wait to go back next year.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

My day of Lomography

Now we can view the world like fish. I had my fisheye on Steve-o at the discovery museum. Love that place. We played dress up, painted the slug-bug, played the laser powered harp, and ended the trip with slurpeez. Originally a Tom and Steve-o weekend tradition, but I was allowed just this once.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Dia De Los Muertos

Every year I always end up begging a mexican to take me to Mexico for Dia De Los Muertos. And they always say they will, and fill my head with these amazing stories and the celebrations. But as usual, and much to my frustration, it never happens. And its not as authentic to just go to East L.A. I want the real deal. I want to go to the festivals, cemeteries,celebrate with the people, see it all, photograph it all (hopefully I will have my fisheye camera, Ive been drooling over for sometime) its not the same here. I want culture, and not the kind you get from being 3rd generation Indio.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Its been so long, I cant remember the last time I cried. Im talking REALLY CRIED. The kind when you fall to your knees, lapse into the fetal position and scream as loud as you can cry. When its just you, and the walls, and you scream until you have no voice. Its not the first time, I know it wont be the last, but there are very few people I care enough about that can provoke that sort of emotional cyclone. And tonight it was Nick.
I wish there were words that could convey the bond we share, but no matter how hard I try, I fall short.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

More to do before I die

Call me morbid, but Im always revising my to do before I die list. Constantly, In my head. Everyone should have such a list.
1) Go to Burning Man with just me and Nick.
2) Live to see Nick get an outstanding report card.
3) See My Bloody Valentine live.
4) Plant that damn herb garden.
5) Marry my sweetheart Thomas.
6) Take my boys to see Redwood trees.
7) Purchase a fisheye camera and shoot anything and everything.
8) Go bike riding in Venice again with Steve-o.
9) Go to Vietnam and meet Toms family.
10) Go to a Buddhist Temple in Vietnam when I get there.
11) Adopt a Vietnamese orphan (a girl)

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Letting go

I read a good article in my Yoga magazine about forgiveness. It was a good article but didnt seem to pertain to myself. I tried to think of any bitterness any regrets I may have that still need to be resolved. Any issues? I couldnt think of any. I couldnt think of anything that I havent already dealt with and gotten past. Then I see the pictures. Im on a friends site and see he uploaded pictures from 2005. Ok its been 3 years time to move on already. Just seeing them brought out emotions that quite frankly confused me. Sadness, then anger. It was a time when my marriage was hanging on by a thread. A time when I had a house, a beautiful victorian house, with a yard, with trees, with a school and a park nearby. In my mind perfect for raising my boys. In my mind, (back then) It was where we would be forever. I would sit on the porch in the rocking chair and imagine my boys growing up there, turning into men, filling the house with grandkids. Oh what an imagination I had. So this house, represented so much to me. I am married with kids, living a "grown-up" life. I found my place in life. I was doing exactly what I was intended to be doing. But it wasnt enough. I dont want to put blame on any one person. I guess I am beyond that, but I miss the dream. I miss the house and what it represented. Im angry that it didnt go the way I planned. Maybe Im just a control freak, but It was our house. The boys deserved to have a peaceful upbringing. And from an outsiders view looking in, it was all those things and more. In reality, it was anything but peaceful...
I need to move forward, I realize I havent yet. I need to let go, and learn from the mistakes and see life for what it is RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, because as much as I would love to have control over the past, I cant change it. Its done, the house, the husband, the dream of Redlands and a future there. Gone.
I have to look at how far we as a family have come. New house, new fiance, family and friends around always, my boys are happy, Im happy, Im not worried about infidelity, abuse, lack of money... My boys have stability. And there father... Slowly fading out of there existence. Weekly visits, to bi-montly visits, to monthly to, " not sure if I can get them this weekend had something come up" maybe next time visits. They dont even ask about him anymore. I cant control others, I cant choose for him. I cant force anything upon him. I am not in control. I can only do my part for our boys. My life is nothing without the happiness of my boys. And I see the big picture. I am grateful for being able to see the big picture and see we are in the right place. My boys have a father, he will always be there. Im sure of it. And I have never felt that before in my life. We have so much to look forward to.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Journey to the mountains

So I never felt to much for the outdoors, until I moved away from the desert and saw actual living trees. Greenery. I get sick of dead plants, tumbleweeds, dirt, heat, and sun glaring at all times. The same way people in Alaska get S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder) I get the opposite. I am not energized in the summertime, I do not crave the sun, I do not wish to be outside in the heat. I despise it. I would much rather live in shades of grey, the smell of rain gives me energy. When it rains and I hear the crash of thunder, and see the lightening, I get so excited I want to be outside, I love to drive in the rain with the windows down and scream to the music I blare at full volume. Cant do that down here. It rarely rains. The grass is literally greener on the otherside. Oregon, Washington, even New Orleans are calling my name. I hope to one day fulfill that fantasy.
I love to pack the boys in the car and just drive. Spur of the moment, no destination in mind, and see where we end up. Those little mini-adventures just solidify the bond between us. We discovers so much about each other. I see there very different personalities come out.
Last adventure: Idlywild. Loved it. Cloudy, then sunny, then cloudy, 86 degrees, little family owned shops on every corner. The boys even got smoothies, I got my wheatgrass. Next step, we need a good hiking stick. Easy, now we roam. Wherever they want to go, I follow, I observe, Im the last in line. Steve-o sings to himself following Nick. Nick is happily the navigator. His purpose, to find water. We listen. We listen to birds, wind, and yes, we even hear water. We take a break and climb up huge boulders and lay. We each have our own. The most amazing view, of the trees, the clouds, shadiness, and a slight breeze. Heaven. I took photos, to remember. I want them to remember. I want them to appreciate how beautiful this world is. I want them to remember I took them there, I want them to remember all of our little adventures.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Fathers Day

Father's Day means more when you know what a father actually is. Never was really a big deal in our family. We didnt really have traditions. My only role model showed me hate, fear, and violence towards women at an early age. So of course years later, Im drawn to drunks, junkies, schitzo's, homeless people, and (animals as well) The damaged, do love the damaged. But once you come to that realization and have children of your own, you want something different. It all shifted after I had Nick. When I was a little girl I always imagined being a single mom. There was never a male prescence in all my dreams of motherhood. To me, it would be much simpler to take it all on myself. Afterall men are just boys, and why raise 2 kids. I prefer one at a time.
Sam was a good father. He was very close to his. He couldnt understand my relationship with mine. He would always try to get us to "talk". He wanted us to mend our broken relationship for the sake of our son. At times I would try, but the awkwardness became too much. We are like two strangers that shared the same relatives. Clearly, Sam just didnt get it.
After I became pregnant with Nick, I loved the idea of raising a son with Sam. So, we didnt have money, and yeah, we still lived with my parents, but we were happy, and when he was born, Sam loved Nick more than anything in the world.
Sean, like me, had a very flawed relationship with his dad. Maybe thats why I latched on so tight to him. He understood me, he understood my distrust in everyone. He didnt mind I was bitter and damaged. After the first year, it was crystal clear that history was repeating itself. We had another son, and now 2 boys that witnessed violence against there mother, screaming matches, and never knew what to expect when we were in the same room together. Divorce was the only option. We never wanted to put our sons through what we went through, but its ironic how difficult that becomes when both parties have no idea what "normal" really is.
Tom, was very brave to take on all my baggage. Im still unsure if he truly knew what he was getting himself into. I think I finally got it right this time. I see him with the boys. They are not his biologically, but he has given them more than any man has, and ever would. He is patient, he is learning, he is building there trust. He gave them stability. Its all I ever wanted. I just didnt know how to get there. With all that has happend, past and present, I see my father in a new light. He, like me, was young when he had us, he had an abusive father, he didnt know what being a father was. He tried his best, and though he may have done a lot of terrible things, he more than makes up for that whenever I see him with my boys. I wouldnt choose any other man to be there papa. I wouldnt change anything about my childhood. I appreciate him. I love him, and everything has fallen into place as it has always been intended.

Monday, June 02, 2008

running circles

Even when you are running circles around me, you notice the smallest things and stop to enjoy it with all you have. When does this gift go away? I want to perserve it forever. I want to bottle your innocence and never let it go. I love all of our little moments, just you and I. I love how you teach me new things, on every one of our adventures. I will always be here for you Steve-o.

Monday, May 05, 2008

eleven years ago...

11 years ago.
7:30 P.M arrive to meet Christina and Cheyenne at Espresso To A Tea, in Palm Desert along with Sam, me and, Nick in the stroller.
7:40 - 8:30 show off Nick to Christina, Sam and Cheyenne take a walk and smoke cigarettes. Conversations about how next baby should be a girl. Sam jokes he will hit on all of Nicks hot girlfriends he brings home when he's older. It is the second encounter I have had with Christina and Cheyenne. Conversation flows, I feel at home with them. Nick gets fussy, time to go home and get him to sleep. Hugs and kisses goodbye to our new friends.
8:35 driving home in new (but really old) silver Mazda 626, Honda Accord was stolen week before.
8:45 Sam is driving, Nick in the carseat still awake, but calm. Siouxie And The Banshees "Juju" playing. I watch the full moon from the passenger side window follow us home. Windows down, cool breeze, shooting star. Sam didnt see it, only me.
8:55 arrive home, I want to take a bath, Sam volunteers to rock Nick to sleep, I soak in the tub, come into the bedroom, Sam standing with Nick asleep on his shoulder, the new Dead Can Dance CD just came out. Sams swaying to the CD. Nick is out. We keep the green lava lamp on and put him into our bed.
9:30 I remember we taped Melrose Place the night before, pop it into the VCR.
9:30 to 10:30 Watching Melrose on the couch in t.v room. Im leaning on Sam, he's rubbing my shoulders throughout the show. He tells me he feels nauseated. I dont say anything.
10:30 to 11:35 Talking, channel surfing, I remember, Nick always awakes at midnight. This time I will be one step ahead and warm up a bottle in the microwave for him.
11:35 I check on Nick, he's still sleeping.
11:40 I hear Jay Leno on the t.v, I walk past the den and tell Sam I will warm up a bottle and be right back.
11:40 to 11:41 30 seconds in the microwave, I'll set the bottle next to Nick. I walk past the den, out of the corner of my eye I see Sam.
11:41 to 11:45 Sams in the fetal position, I cant see his face. He is making gasping sounds that I later learn are called "agonal respirations"
11:45 I call his name, I tell him to get up, this isnt funny, Im frozen. I lift up his face by his hair, lips are blue, eyes closed. I tell him to stop, this isnt funny!!!! I beg him to stop, Im frozen, and need to get help. Run to parents room, dad leaps out of bed. My dad shakes Sam, rolls him onto his back, tells my mom to call 911, and tells me we are going to start CPR.
11:50 Moms on the phone, dads doing chest compressions, Im breathing for him, in between breaths I tell him I love him, dont leave us. Dont leave us, dont leave us, I love you, please dont leave us, I plead with god in my mind. I know this is all a dream, it cant really happen.
11:55 Ambulance, fire, and police arrive, I step away and watch.
11:55 to 12:15 they cut his shirt off, I cant see what they are doing because there are so many people working on him. I remember Nick, its after midnight... The medic tells me they are going to transport, to get ready to go with them.
12:20 Im in my room yanking the first shirt I see off the hanger, throw on some jeans, stare at Nick. Nick is still asleep.
12:25 Im in the passenger seat, I ask if they got a pulse, he hesitantly tells me no. I say a prayer in my head begging him to not be in pain.
12:27 We arrive at JFK emergency room, they lead me to another room to get all his information, I cant think, I cant remember our phone number or his date of birth. Im crying, Im in pain, and people on the other side of the glass can see me. I get stares from others.
12:34 Sam is pronounced dead....

Saturday, April 19, 2008

gratitude part 2 with Steve-o and I

1. Grateful for being a mom.
2. Grateful for my awesome parents.
3. Grateful for Amy, other Amy, Eliz, Julie, Tom of course, Rachael, Analisa makes work spectacular, Mindy.
1. Youth group
2. video games
3. I have 2 shiny new bikes to ride.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Love letter to my soul-mate

I am frustrated beyond my limit. Let me tell you why...
You are so intelligent. People (adults) always comment on how extremely intelligent and articulate you are. So they all expect a kid like you probably gets straight A’s. Well Nick, as we know, that is not the case. I cant seem to figure out where things are going wrong. Your father and I thought we had it all figured out. I remember being pregnant with you and having such long conversations with your dad, we talked about everything from books we were going to read to you to music we wanted to expose you to. We were so excited and couldn’t wait for your arrival. We decided that we wanted to be open with you, be pals with you, let you do pretty much anything you wanted. We figured, the only way to parent was to allow you to do whatever you want to do and only deny you something if it was dangerous or harmful to others. Well, yeah, I didn’t expect my partner to die and leave it all to me. Come on, I was only 22 years old. I felt I needed to honor your dad by always keeping pictures around for you, to always be open to talk to you about him and his life, and when I came to any sort of parenting crisis, handle it by doing things the way Sam and I wanted. Ok so here we are. You are almost a teenager and I feel my grip on you slip away a little bit each day. I have so many fears. I don’t want to ever not have an open honest relationship, but I am constantly catching you in lies. My god Nick, what happend? You are lying to me. My best friend is changing and I don’t know what to do. You are failing all your classes. Talk about being frustrated. You are to smart for this. Have I not given you love, respect, honesty. You and Stephen are my world. I am nothing without you. I have nothing without you boys. I live for you. My purpose in life is to raise you and your brother, to be happy, healthy, confident, compassionate, human beings. My priority is to raise you to be good boys. Honesty and respect... Im trying Nick, I cant seem to get through to you, but I hope one day you will see how much I love you. There are no words to express my love for you and Steve-o. I love you. I will always be your mom and you will always be my son. Nothing will ever change that. There is nothing you could do to change my feelings for you. It truly is unconditional love. I want my little boy back, I want to have that friendship again. I want you to work to your full potential. I need you to understand how important school is and all its lessons that will help you to be a stronger person in life. I love you, and am so proud to be your mom and have such a beautiful and caring son. I will always be here for you. I will always be your biggest supporter and cheer you on, and help you through the tough times. I just love you Nick.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Its her again...

Invading my dreams, still igniting bridges, its what she does best. I of course put out fires for her. The question still remains. Was I ever hers, was she ever mine? How can you live with someone, be so close, almost the same person and never know them. I want to hate her, I want her to come back, I want her to wake up already. Stop spreading her misery, look into the mirror, and see what we saw.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Fragile Soul

I cant believe how much love I can have for something. Your sweet sweet face with freckled cheeks, big dimples, and beautiful smile gives me butterflies. You are so sweet and such a sensitive boy. You already wear your heart on your sleeve. I want to always protect you. Keep you innocent and happy. Do you remember in Redlands, bike riding, just me and you? You told me I was your "side-kick and best buddy". I want to always be that for you. You make me so proud to be your mother. I love you my beautiful sweet Steve-o.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

adolecence the first soul crusher

Adolecence, is the first in a series of devastations to be felt through out life. Boys have it worse. Too old for G.I Joes, too young for just about everything else. Male bravado, surging horomones, a taste of freedom, a feeling of invincibility that cannot be lifted no matter what "we" try to tell them. Im forced to stand back. Let him learn, grow, hurt, wait... He challenges my every word, he's up, he's down, he "has all the answers" but at the end of the day, I dont give up, I love him, I love him more and more, I know just holding him when he feels defeated conveys the love I have for him. He is my soul mate, til death do us part.