Tuesday, March 30, 2010

When you are embarrassed by a family member

So being the recluse that I am, I decided to have a "game night" with friends. ( My way of being social in my own environment) I chose Pictionary. Amy and Mark came by. We had wine, pizza, beer, hookah, and "Charlie the bi-polar dog" I at first put him outside. Amy insisted we bring him in. I knew we might have issues. Sure enough, Charlie does what he does best. He puts on the sweet innocent overly-excited dog act, then..... The other Charlie emerges. I have to say, I am very bonded with Charlie, and think that if anyone would have a crazy dog with a myriad of issues it seems fitting that it would be me. Anyway, he growled, barked, showed his teeth, and wagged his tail all at the same time. It can be embarrassing at times, but we still managed to have fun regardless.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Life is short

Life moves fast, and is sometimes hard to keep up. I wish my friend Tom would have hung on longer, and I know this journey is a rough one, and I dont blame him for checking out early. It just saddens me. Life truly is a gift, and I am glad to be here.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

G-rated pin-up

Excuse Me, but Mr. Charlie is one sexy bitch!!!!! Look at him work the camera, he knows he's hot.

I have to say, Im proud of this one. The lighting, and the new accent wall made it look like it was in a studio (kinda)

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Not "Banksy" but still cool

I saw this on the way home from Steveo's school. It was behind another school bus. Weird.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Charlie the bi-polar dog, Nick, my Zen bedroom got more Zenny

Charlie... Who knew giving your dog people food would eventually lead to Canine Pancreatitis? So of course I had to take him to the vet when he wouldnt come with me to Starbucks like he usually does. I knew from that moment, something was very wrong with Charlie. He LOVES to go for car rides, and so I went alone to get my mochafrappacino and then surfed the internet to see what he may have had. Going on Google to try to diagnose your dog will almost always cause a panic attack. There were a million things it could have been and not one of them was good. When I took Charlie to the vet he: 1.) Tryed to bite the vet (he was a bit arrogant anyway)
2.) Pooped on the thermometer. 3.) Was led out the door in a muzzle they called "the party hat" to do labs, xrays, collect a urine specimen (via catheterization) and start IV fluids. It happened so fast, in an instant I was holding Charlie trying to calm his nerves all the while mine were shot, and next thing you know, the vet is barking (hee hee no pun intended) out orders to the vet tech, and Im left wondering if he's going to make it and also very selfishly wondering just how much all this is gonna cost me. Long story short. Diagnosis- Pancreatitis. Prognosis- good. Oh and the cost was a lot, but of course worth every penny for my Charlie. So after bringing him back home, he was weak and not himself for a few days, but now he's back to his normal grumpy self.
Onto Nick. Nick is now 2 inches taller than me. Everyday I see the changes in not only his appearance but his voice as well, oh and his sarcasm level has increased a bit. I was explaining our new alarm system for the house and he told me that "people will break in whether we have an alarm or not, so all this is a big waste of money and giving me a false sense of security" Yep, thats my Nick.
On Sunday I decided I wanted a Burnt Orange accent wall in the bedroom, so I went to Home Depot and bought a gallon of paint, and now have a Burnt Orange accent wall in my bedroom. I love how it enhanced the Zenniness (thats my new word) of the room.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Making myself happy, one hour at a time

1.) Woke up and found graffiti on the wall of our backyard. (stupid thugs)

2.) Went to Ikea bought a very comfy chair.

3.) Went to World Market bought lanterns to hang over chair, I now have cozy sitting area.

4.) Tom and I got pedicures, (he is cool like that)

5.) Took a bath with Lavender crystals.

6.) Nick gave me a hug, and it wasn't me that initiated it this time. He is also 2 inches taller than me now.

7.) I finally hung Steveo's planets that his Auntie Mindy gave him 2 Xmas's ago, and re-did his room with a new queen size bed, prayer flags to be hung tomorrow.

8.) Got a new tempurpedic bed with a new comforter that envelopes me like a fluffy marsh mellow, oh and new Moroccan style mirror to go over it. I sleep well these days.

I know I have a dark cloud looming over me, screwing up my moods, but I am picking myself up and literally taking it one hour at a time, and for now everything is golden.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

My battle

I don't know where to start, because I don't know where and when this began. I wont go into to much detail. My moods have been darker, my sleep patterns have been very off, my weight has plummeted, my mind has been racing, my body exhausted. It slowly crept up on me. It didn't all happen at once. I just noticed the colors around me lost there vibrancy, music didn't inspire me, I had no motivation to get out of bed.
This is depression.
Does this mean I have a "mental illness" Will it consume me for much longer? Why am I this way? Is it a hormonal or chemical imbalance? How much worse can this get?

Here's my problem. If I have nothing to be sad about, how can I have depression? Well after much research, I realized it doesn't necessarily have to be about that. In my case, I believe there are numerous contributing factors.
So even though I feel like complete crap and want nothing more then to lay in bed under the covers, I am forcing myself to move. I am taking small steps, watching what I eat, trying to get enough sleep, sitting in the sunlight, and writing in my journal.

Yesterday, I went to see Tom in Orange County, stopped in Redlands along the way. I am always drawn to Redlands because of all the trees. I parked on an empty street next to a field of wild flowers, I took photos at different times when the sun was going down, had music playing in my car as I sat there. I get small increments of relief that distract me enough to get through the days and remind me of who I am.
Then it started to sprinkle. I went to my favorite thrift shop and bought a jacket, a purse and red velvet nightgown all for under 10 bucks. That in itself lifted my mood. I sat in my car and read some of the books I have been given by friends.

Seeing Tom was like seeing sunlight again. Ive been wearing his dog tags, he told me they are good luck, I believe him since he didn't die in Iraq when he wore them. He is taking Friday off and will be down tonight, I am taking things day by day and being gentle with myself. A few people have reached out to me in so many ways. These people have so much love and kindness in there hearts and they know who they are. I am thankful for there kind words, smiles, advice, and for there ability to just listen. I have a lot to be grateful for and hope to be myself again soon.

Friday, March 05, 2010

My wonderful neighborhood, what would Buddha do?

blah blah blah

So Toms truck got broken into. They took his XM Satellite Radio, and left the screw driver they used to smash the window on the passenger side seat. They also left the chess set we had in the back seat. We never know when we will get the urge to pull over and whip out the chess board, because we are geeks and thats how we roll.

On another disappointing note, the rude neighbor that tapes nasty anonymous letters on peoples doors, is at it again. On every mailbox in the neighborhood was another mean spirited note.



Sitting in my car along with Tom, waiting to meet my sister. We spent an hour on a cozy couch sharing insights, speaking from the heart, allowing ourselves to view our relationship from each others perspectives.
How is it, you can be raised in the same home, have the same blood lines, same parents, same experiences and yet come out so different as adults? We are opposites. I accept that. She accepts that. In the end, she knows me well, I know her well, and we will always have a connection that cannot ever be broken. I love her, she loves me and together we are moving forward to bring that connection back. Monday we are having a sister date. I want to take her to a Buddhist temple, she wants to take me to yoga, we may hang out at her pool and just talk, whatever it is we opt for, we are taking gentle steps closer to one another, and recognizing how fragile our souls are.