Wednesday, January 28, 2009

My love


He knew me before I became jaded. I loved him, he didnt love me, I ended up with his best friend who eventually broke my heart for the first time. I always wondered what if. 19 years after this photo was taken, we are together. I love him. I really do. I wish I never went through all the messes with past boyfriends. I loved before with everything I had and one by one, was let down. Male or female, if you had that lost look in your eyes, I would latch on so tight and spend so much energy fearing and awaiting the end, anticipating how it would all play out. I was certain it wouldnt be good. The result... Im callused on the outside, I dont feel as much. I dont do it on purpose, Im just that way. Its to bad because with all the pain I wont feel, I wont feel the true love either. I am a work in progress. I know if anyone deserves 100% of me, it is Tom. I have so much love and admiration for him. He brings me peace everyday, and I learn from him everyday. I am trying to let go of old wounds from all my past battles, and move forward giving my all to him and my children. Because in the end, he is the one who gave me my life back, and how can you repay someone for that?

Sunday, January 04, 2009

I wish


I had a tree for Steveo to climb.

It rained more often.

Mokie Kitty was still here with me.

Elizabeth lived closer.

Sara wasnt so fucked up.

I could go to Vietnam, tomorrow.

I could see At The Drive In, live.

My sister and I got along like we did 20 years ago.

My parents could have there dream home by the beach.

I wasnt allergic to pets (even though I have them)

I could find a cure for my insomnia that didnt involve drugs. (legal or otherwise)

I could spend a day in San Fransisco and see a movie in the old theater in The Castro, and then come home.

I could find the rose ring my mom gave me years ago.

Could be friends with a buddhist monk who could tell me how to be an effective parent.

I had cable (what was I thinking)

I could spend a week at the beach just reading.

Saturday, January 03, 2009

I love my days with them


Even though I had to force Nick to hang out with us, I still had a blast. We went to Civic Center Park, played football, soccer, fed the ducks. Tom has more patience than anyone human being I know. I love him. I love watching him with them. And just as I promised, Nick had fun too, and made a friend.