Tuesday, July 29, 2008

More to do before I die

Call me morbid, but Im always revising my to do before I die list. Constantly, In my head. Everyone should have such a list.
1) Go to Burning Man with just me and Nick.
2) Live to see Nick get an outstanding report card.
3) See My Bloody Valentine live.
4) Plant that damn herb garden.
5) Marry my sweetheart Thomas.
6) Take my boys to see Redwood trees.
7) Purchase a fisheye camera and shoot anything and everything.
8) Go bike riding in Venice again with Steve-o.
9) Go to Vietnam and meet Toms family.
10) Go to a Buddhist Temple in Vietnam when I get there.
11) Adopt a Vietnamese orphan (a girl)

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Letting go

I read a good article in my Yoga magazine about forgiveness. It was a good article but didnt seem to pertain to myself. I tried to think of any bitterness any regrets I may have that still need to be resolved. Any issues? I couldnt think of any. I couldnt think of anything that I havent already dealt with and gotten past. Then I see the pictures. Im on a friends site and see he uploaded pictures from 2005. Ok its been 3 years time to move on already. Just seeing them brought out emotions that quite frankly confused me. Sadness, then anger. It was a time when my marriage was hanging on by a thread. A time when I had a house, a beautiful victorian house, with a yard, with trees, with a school and a park nearby. In my mind perfect for raising my boys. In my mind, (back then) It was where we would be forever. I would sit on the porch in the rocking chair and imagine my boys growing up there, turning into men, filling the house with grandkids. Oh what an imagination I had. So this house, represented so much to me. I am married with kids, living a "grown-up" life. I found my place in life. I was doing exactly what I was intended to be doing. But it wasnt enough. I dont want to put blame on any one person. I guess I am beyond that, but I miss the dream. I miss the house and what it represented. Im angry that it didnt go the way I planned. Maybe Im just a control freak, but It was our house. The boys deserved to have a peaceful upbringing. And from an outsiders view looking in, it was all those things and more. In reality, it was anything but peaceful...
I need to move forward, I realize I havent yet. I need to let go, and learn from the mistakes and see life for what it is RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, because as much as I would love to have control over the past, I cant change it. Its done, the house, the husband, the dream of Redlands and a future there. Gone.
I have to look at how far we as a family have come. New house, new fiance, family and friends around always, my boys are happy, Im happy, Im not worried about infidelity, abuse, lack of money... My boys have stability. And there father... Slowly fading out of there existence. Weekly visits, to bi-montly visits, to monthly to, " not sure if I can get them this weekend had something come up" maybe next time visits. They dont even ask about him anymore. I cant control others, I cant choose for him. I cant force anything upon him. I am not in control. I can only do my part for our boys. My life is nothing without the happiness of my boys. And I see the big picture. I am grateful for being able to see the big picture and see we are in the right place. My boys have a father, he will always be there. Im sure of it. And I have never felt that before in my life. We have so much to look forward to.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Journey to the mountains

So I never felt to much for the outdoors, until I moved away from the desert and saw actual living trees. Greenery. I get sick of dead plants, tumbleweeds, dirt, heat, and sun glaring at all times. The same way people in Alaska get S.A.D (seasonal affective disorder) I get the opposite. I am not energized in the summertime, I do not crave the sun, I do not wish to be outside in the heat. I despise it. I would much rather live in shades of grey, the smell of rain gives me energy. When it rains and I hear the crash of thunder, and see the lightening, I get so excited I want to be outside, I love to drive in the rain with the windows down and scream to the music I blare at full volume. Cant do that down here. It rarely rains. The grass is literally greener on the otherside. Oregon, Washington, even New Orleans are calling my name. I hope to one day fulfill that fantasy.
I love to pack the boys in the car and just drive. Spur of the moment, no destination in mind, and see where we end up. Those little mini-adventures just solidify the bond between us. We discovers so much about each other. I see there very different personalities come out.
Last adventure: Idlywild. Loved it. Cloudy, then sunny, then cloudy, 86 degrees, little family owned shops on every corner. The boys even got smoothies, I got my wheatgrass. Next step, we need a good hiking stick. Easy, now we roam. Wherever they want to go, I follow, I observe, Im the last in line. Steve-o sings to himself following Nick. Nick is happily the navigator. His purpose, to find water. We listen. We listen to birds, wind, and yes, we even hear water. We take a break and climb up huge boulders and lay. We each have our own. The most amazing view, of the trees, the clouds, shadiness, and a slight breeze. Heaven. I took photos, to remember. I want them to remember. I want them to appreciate how beautiful this world is. I want them to remember I took them there, I want them to remember all of our little adventures.