Friday, January 29, 2010

Making Amends and other half-assed apologies

Dear "D"
I saw you at Target today. I like the hair. Im going through a red phase as well. Dont feel bad, we all put on weight after highschool. I used to be so skinny until I had babies. Now Im a size 6. Fuck. Anyway, at least the extra weight makes your boobs look bigger. So, I noticed you look up at me, and then as soon as our eyes locked, you looked away. Just like you used to back in highschool. I cant understand for the life of me, why you were ever intimidated by me. Think back, I was like 5 feet tall 90 pounds if that. What could I have possibly done to you? You were way bigger than me, you came from a trailer park, thats way more hardcore than me. I wish you wouldnt have taken it all so personally. Its just, when you have a boyfriend that you love more than anything, and you just know that this is IT, this is everything I need in my life to sustain me and all that other teenage bullshit, you dont have the right coping mechanisms to deal with that boyfriend, you know, the love of your life, when he is lying to you constantly, and sticking his penis into anything female within a 50 mile radius of the Coachella Valley... So you have 2 choices. Leave, or stay and pray that something in him changes, that you will be enough, you will be all he needs. Then. Resentment multiplies, trust cant be earned, everywhere you go, another one is there. I lost count after a while. I compared myself to these others. Was it because I was so short, so skinny, was flat chested? Because I studied all of them and they had straight hair, blonde hair, they're jeans didnt hang off of them like they did on me. They all knew about me, and went along with it regardless. I confronted some of them, but it didnt make me feel better. It only made me feel worse. Pathetic. 4 years of it. Now some people would say that I am a person with obvious self-esteem issues, and they would be right. But when I looked at you, it was like looking into a mirror. You never saw that in me, the way I saw it in you. Somehow I had you fooled. I remember when I threw a beer bottle at you at a party, (classy, I know) I cant remember if that was the first time I made you cry. Soon after, whenever you saw me you would look down at the ground. You became my target, you represented what I despised in all the others and I ran with it didnt I? So now Im a 35 year old woman, and when I think back to that time when I was with him, I cant understand how I allowed someone to treat me that way. He lied and I stayed. I hurt, I cried, I finally left and found love again, but that died 3 years later. To me when I think back to that insecure little girl, it feels almost like having an out of body experience. I can watch her from above, I can see right through her angst and fear. Im glad I moved forward and only wasted 4 years and not 40 years.
I eventually had to let go of the resentments towards him. I loved him, and still do. I knew I always wanted him in my life, even if it was just a distant friendship. He has done well, he has found love and happiness. I smile everytime I think of him. These things dont happen overnight. It took a lot of soul-searching and making mistakes, a lot of trial and error. My ego has suffered many bumps and bruises along the way, but I always kept moving forward until I was happy and content with everything. I guess there is no easy way to move through life unscathed, just dont let those wounds turn into scars. I hope one day, that when you look in the mirror you will see me.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

RIP Mr Salinger

I get the feeling he didn't have the happiest of childhoods. He shunned fame, and became somewhat of a recluse, but "Catcher In The Rye" was a great book that got me interested in reading in the first place.
I think I will put that on my to read book shelf again.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Surreal Skys

It looks as if God took a paintbrush and colored the sky different shades of pink. Thoughts of cotton candy come to mind. Somedays Im so grateful I grew up in such a beautiful place, and when the weather is unbearable, you dont have to run very far to escape to some place better.
Its like living in between heaven and hell.

Monday, January 25, 2010


Last night, my mother and I took Steveo to see Stomp at the Mccallum Theater. This was his first time going there and the first time seeing anything live like this. He didn't know what to expect. I told him that it will be fun and unlike anything he has seen. The show lasted an hour and 45 minutes. From the moment it began till we walked off to the parking lot, we all had a huge smile on our faces. The show was unbelievably good. You look around and notice that everyone is stomping to the beat. Steveo was amazed, he was dancing in his seat, clapping with them, laughing. At the end of the show, I got a picture of him with one of the "Stompers"
They are so talented. How they keep the rhythm and coordinate themselves, I will never know.
When I got home, I stayed up til 1am painting. I signed it Stephanie Murlless, because I'm sure I will be a Murlless someday, and also, most of my inspiration has come from him lately. I hung it over our bed.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

And just like that...

The clouds parted. Steveo got to ride his bike and wear short sleeves. I enjoyed my tea and watched him ride from the window, and read my book on dying, all the while babysitting "Hercules" the neighbors chihuahua, and watching Celebrity Rehab. ( I can multi-task like theres no tomorrow) I guess I did miss the sun after all.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Cabin Fever Ramblings

Every time I look out the window, its still pouring. Everything is flooded. I kept the kids home from school. I'm cold, bored. I bought "Shaun Of The Dead" to watch with them. Like family movie night, or day. They had no interest. Nick was on the computer, Steveo wanted to draw. I'm always up for drawing with Steveo. I try to challenge his creativity by giving him subjects to focus on and see what he comes up with. Today he made a "Pasademon Flower" that has rose milk inside. They are originally from Russia he tells me. He then comes up with staircases and robots and labels it "Casa De Loco" I'm totally feelin it to Steveo. Isn't it funny how its only been raining just a few days and we feel so out of whack, and have the hardest time doing normal everyday things, driving is a huge task that requires patience and concentration? I wonder what the snowbirds must think of us desert rats that panic when it rains more than one day.
So I sat by the window with Charlie, staring at the rain and thinking about how different my boys are. I'm proud of both of them. I have so much love for them. They make me feel strong. They have no idea what they bring me. I want them to always be close, to always do whatever makes them happy. They are so smart. Nick is so good with computers, math, science, loves music. He has a natural talent when it comes to photography, just like his father. Sam would be proud. There are so many opportunities he will have because of his intelligence. I know he will go far in life. Steveo has shown a love for writing, painting, reading, art. His head is filled with so many ideas. I will always encourage him to continue to nurture that part of himself. I know he will always find solace and have a positive outlet with his art projects. I want him explore every avenue of creativity, and grow from it.
Sometimes I wish I could just fast forward life and see what they become. I know that no matter what, there happiness is paramount and as long as they are happy, I am happy.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Embracing the storms

On my way to pick up Nick from school, I had to pull over and take a picture of the clouds moving up over the mountains. For about 1 minute I was in total awe. Then back to my car to resume my role as Nicks taxi driver.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

out of the shadows

He looks scary and Im convinced he's bi-polar. But he's family.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Joshua Tree

Visited a Jesus Statue Park in Yucca Valley behind a church. It was high up a hill over looking Yucca Valley. It was very windy, peaceful, kind of random. Theres a non-profit organization that keeps it up. The view of the city is beautiful. I ate at a cool little coffee shop in Joshua Tree, then got to hang out with an old friend. He played me his newest music that he recorded in his house. It was so good to see him for the first time in over 3 years. Next time I want to check out all the antique shops and art galleries and bring Tom.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

My mood lifting photo

As I said earlier, I'm doing the year to live meditation. So far so good, not as easy as I thought. Its all about recognizing thought patterns, and exploring where they come from. Sounds easy. Not so. When you actually take time to pay careful attention to your moods and inner dialogue 24-7 you (or at least I) see how easy it is to avoid certain thoughts and feelings. You cover them up, distract yourself enough until you realize, "Holy shit, I never DID deal with Sam's death did I" or why am I always so rushed? Why do I stress when someone cuts me off? Why do I have such a low bullshit tolerance when I expect others to accept me and all my faults? Why do I sabotage anything good that comes my way? How much longer can I bury all things unpleasant before it all spills out of me? With every realization comes more questions, and since I cant afford a therapist right now I'm digging. Digging deeper into places that aren't always cozy and warm. I am leaving my happy place in an effort to evolve and understand things better. Short bouts with my emotional cyclones are just part of the process and well worth it. With this, I am slowly and gently learning to live mindfully. My thoughts have shifted and lifted. I still have a long way to go, but feel better dealing with everything head on. I hope to be a better mom, friend, daughter, wife, sister and LIVE everyday to the fullest.

Monday, January 11, 2010

New Friend

Steveo made two new friends this weekend. I don't let him play out in the front unless I'm out there to watch him. So I took my book and and sat outside to watch him play with his new friend David and his little sister. While Steveo and the little boy were riding his green machine, me and Hailey (the little sis) decided we needed to decorate the drive way with chalk. Girls are so mellow and easy going compared to little boys. We sat and colored flowers and hearts for a least a half hour. Its so much better to view the world through a child's eyes. It was very zen.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

My Camera rocks

And I have insomnia and havent slept yet... My circadian rhythm must be off again.

Monday, January 04, 2010

beautiful sunsets in the desert

Photo taken by Nicholas Anderson. ( I'm extremely proud of this photo)

Saturday, January 02, 2010

364 days

With only 364 days to live, there is no time like the present to see places around here that Ive always wanted to see. Slab City is in Niland California. An hour away. I read about it years ago, then saw " Into the wild" and part of the movie (excellent movie by the way) was shot there. So it renewed my interest to drive there. Tom and I went today. Now I'm not sure how this all came about, but the main guy that created "Salvation Mountain" was there talking to other tourists about how he used hay, mud, and paint and created it over time. The mountain has several caves with letters, dolls, bibles, and a whole lot of color. I get the feeling he is a bit of a religious nut. Not usually my kind of people, but he had a genuinely sweet demeanor about him. When you follow "the yellow brick road" to the top, the view is nothing short of spectacular. The Salton Sea even looks beautiful from afar. So today, I can cross that off on my list of places to see. I saw, and was impressed.