Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I read a good article in my Yoga magazine about forgiveness. It was a good article but didnt seem to pertain to myself. I tried to think of any bitterness any regrets I may have that still need to be resolved. Any issues? I couldnt think of any. I couldnt think of anything that I havent already dealt with and gotten past. Then I see the pictures. Im on a friends site and see he uploaded pictures from 2005. Ok its been 3 years time to move on already. Just seeing them brought out emotions that quite frankly confused me. Sadness, then anger. It was a time when my marriage was hanging on by a thread. A time when I had a house, a beautiful victorian house, with a yard, with trees, with a school and a park nearby. In my mind perfect for raising my boys. In my mind, (back then) It was where we would be forever. I would sit on the porch in the rocking chair and imagine my boys growing up there, turning into men, filling the house with grandkids. Oh what an imagination I had. So this house, represented so much to me. I am married with kids, living a "grown-up" life. I found my place in life. I was doing exactly what I was intended to be doing. But it wasnt enough. I dont want to put blame on any one person. I guess I am beyond that, but I miss the dream. I miss the house and what it represented. Im angry that it didnt go the way I planned. Maybe Im just a control freak, but It was our house. The boys deserved to have a peaceful upbringing. And from an outsiders view looking in, it was all those things and more. In reality, it was anything but peaceful...
I need to move forward, I realize I havent yet. I need to let go, and learn from the mistakes and see life for what it is RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW, because as much as I would love to have control over the past, I cant change it. Its done, the house, the husband, the dream of Redlands and a future there. Gone.
I have to look at how far we as a family have come. New house, new fiance, family and friends around always, my boys are happy, Im happy, Im not worried about infidelity, abuse, lack of money... My boys have stability. And there father... Slowly fading out of there existence. Weekly visits, to bi-montly visits, to monthly to, " not sure if I can get them this weekend had something come up" maybe next time visits. They dont even ask about him anymore. I cant control others, I cant choose for him. I cant force anything upon him. I am not in control. I can only do my part for our boys. My life is nothing without the happiness of my boys. And I see the big picture. I am grateful for being able to see the big picture and see we are in the right place. My boys have a father, he will always be there. Im sure of it. And I have never felt that before in my life. We have so much to look forward to.