Sunday, September 27, 2009

We set a date



October 2011. Kinda funny at first he wanted Feburary. I explained that we cant get married in Feburary, because thats when Sam and I got married and that would be to weird. Instead I suggested Janurary. No-can-do, thats when he married whats her face. Okay try again, he asked about April since its right before it starts to get really hot down here. Nope thats when I married Sean. So.... October it is.
We are going for an Asian theme, since he is afterall half Vietnemese. We dont want anything to big, just something simple. We have both been down this road before and we really see no need to have anything to extravagent.
Thats all the details we have come up with so far. What I Do know for sure is, even though we have been married previously, we are both in a place now in our lives where we both equally want the same things. We both support each other and have so much respect for one another, and that alone is already more than what our last unions had. This relationship is, dare I say, effortless. For the first time, its just easy. We dont have to TRY to get along, or TRY to understand each other, we just live a simple life where we just love and appreciate each other. So in the end, this is a win-win situation for the kids as well. I remember hearing a quote, "the best gift a father can give to his children, is to love there mother" Very profound on so many levels. It is so true and I cant agree with that quote anymore. My boys see there mother being adored and respected, and I adore and respect Tom. I hope when they are older and in relationships, they respect there significant others the way Tom and I do. And it also goes both ways, I dont ever want them to stay in a toxic relationship. I want them to recognize what "love" is, and maybe more importanly, know what love isnt. If Im ever going to save them some heartache, and encourage them to develop healthy relationships, then I know I have to be the example. I think being in my 30's also adds to my healthier state of mind.
To be honest, I never officially or leagally changed my last name to Kelley. I couldnt do it. I stalled, I made excuses, and then realized that maybe perhaps on a subconcious level, I knew it would never last. Funny how crystal clear everything becomes with a little time and space to gather your thoughts and analyze them. With that said, I must also admit, I have no regrets. I am slowly coming to terms with my failed marriage to Sean, and know 100% without a doubt, I would not be who I am today, and better yet would not appreciate what I have with Tom. Awww, clarity. I still have my moments when I remember something terrible from my past and get angry and upset all over again. I am still growing and will always be a work in progress. What I have found that helps me stay in check is this, I do not see Sean in Steveo, but I absolutely see Steveo in Sean, and that makes it impossible to hate and resent him. So after all of my soul-searching and love of Buddhism and all of its meaning, I have in a way, come full circle. So I guess what Im trying to say is, Im ready. I am ready to marry my best friend, my first highschool crush, and someone that I have always loved and admired since I was 13 years old. This truly is a dream come true for me.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Pics I made





My new thing is taking several pics and overlapping them giving them tons of texture. Its fun and the pictures look eerie too.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Since Im not sleeping tonight, another round of word association

Nick - Video game junkie

Steveo- Creative

Tom- Pure

Mom- Tired

Dad- Depressed

Christina C- Fragile

Christina K- Family

Amy F- Funny

Sean- Sad

Me- Jaded, and tired but cant sleep and want to sleep and want to shut the world out and I cant seem to no matter how hard I try and it is completly frustrating me, thus making it even that much MORE difficult to fall asleep because now I just added to the numerous ideas and running dialog that continues to keep me up. Fuck!!!

Insomnia, I cant shut my brain down




So why is it, whenever you have to wake up early you cant fall asleep? I must get it from my dad. Ever since I can remember, he would always wake up and sleep at the oddest hours. I really dont know how he managed to be productive on a daily basis.
When I was in middle school I would take Actifed to make me drowsy. Then it was Benadryl, then Valium, and one time I got a script for Soma's.... Anyway, Im back onto benadryl again. Obviously, taking 4 at a time doesnt mesh well with my chemistry anymore. I cant say that I recommend using drugs (the hard stuff) but I do understand why people go to such extremes to fall asleep. (Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger) I hope I can drag myself out of bed tomorrow at the crack of dawn. Shit, at this point I may as well stay awake, why bother now. Fuck!!!!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Wedding Photo Shoot







Im glad I did it after-all. It was a small wedding, the bride and her daughters looked adorable. It all went very smooth. Now if I never shoot another wedding again I will be happy.

Anxiety

Today Im shooting my first wedding. It is the sister in law of Amy. When she first approached me, I was flattered but wanted to decline. Im not a professional and have never taken a photography class in my life. So today, I will take a deep breath and take the best pictures that I can. I am surprised by the level of fear and dread I have for this day. Ive had about 4 months to prepare, but I guess I just lack the confidence.
Today I will just hope for the best. May Sam be with me!!!!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Word association, because its fun.





Nick- Brainiac

Steveo- Unconditional love (yeah 2 words, I know)

Tom- Soul-mate

Mom- Love

Dad- Strong

Christina C- Vulnerable

Christina K- Comedic

Elizabeth- Wise

Amy F- Mother of the Century ( Yep, 4 words)

Amy H- True

Julie- Life lifter

Grandma- Home

Sara- Lost

Aras- Old soul

Sean- Persistant

Analisa- Entertaining 24-7

Mindy- Intelligent

Thats all I have, I guess its always everchanging.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Travel is good for the soul





Im one step closer to going to Vietnam. Well, almost. I at least got my passport application filled out. Hoping to turn it into the post office tomorrow. Tom and I would love to go and see his moms side of the family. This is the first step to ful-filling a wish to travel to Asia, and it would be so incredible to do it with my favorite person.
San Fransisco with Elizabeth was exhausting, beautiful, and all sorts of fun. I'll admit, as much as I missed my boys, I was sad to leave.
Elizabeth and I have known each other since we were 11 or 12. We used to spend every weekend together. We would fight, cry, smoke, make-up, listen to Siouxie and The Banshees together. She always seemed so much older and wiser than me. I was sad when she moved to Colorado. I wasnt sure how the trip would end up, but we had a blast. She was very sympathetic to the fact that I dont EVER walk up hill or go outside very often to be honest. I had a hard time with all the walking, the heat the first day, the freezing cold the 3rd day, wimped out and hailed a cab a couple of times, but my god we saw so much, it was worth the aches and pains and sore feet. She showed me parts of San Fransisco that I hadnt seen before and finally... At last... I saw REDWOOD TREES!!!!!! So beautiful, so amazingly tall. I feel so alive when Im smack dab in the middle of nature. I have no regrets, every moment was beautiful and filled a void that up until recently I was unable to fill. I needed to recharge, I needed to reconnect with my best friend that has known me for most of my life.
I love you Elizabeth!!!!!!!!